Attack of the Wolpertinger
by baja-king
Summary: What happens when imaginations run wild during a full moon?


Attack of the Wolpertinger

Standing in formation, Hogan despised the extoling that Klink rendered concerning the glorious Third Reich. Supper proved unsatisfactory. Hogan's stomach growled in anticipation of LeBeau's real supper, courtesy of smuggled in food supplemented with pilfered rations from the guards' mess hall. The Kommandant proved in excellent form as the sun finished its descent below the horizon.

Hogan's mind wandered. Nights such as this one renewed his desire to escape. There was a full moon. As a bomber pilot, he appreciated the tactical advantage it offered. It made the targets easier to find. As a prisoner of war, he learned different appreciation for the new moon. The full moon had another advantage that trumped the new moon: women found it romantic. Something crashed among the empty water barrel, disturbing his thoughts.

Klink turned to Schultz and snapped, "Find out what did that!"

Carter smirked, "Didn't you see it?"

Klink asked, "See what?"

With innocence Carter replied, "Why, it was the strangest rabbit that I ever saw! Those antlers were _huge_."

Hogan quipped, "This isn't Colorado."

Klink sarcastically asked, "You have them there too?"

Hogan realized that his ordnance man touched a nerve with the Kommandant but answered, "Jackalopes are extremely rare."

As his eyes widened, Schultz cried, "So are wolpertingers!"

Klink looked at Schultz and said, "Sergeant Schultz, you know that wolpertingers are extremely shy. What would one be doing here?"

"Up to monkey business," Schultz solemnly replied.

Hogan asked, "What's a wolpertinger?"

Klink scowled, "Alright, Hogan, I'll humor this warning for you. Wolpertingers live in the Bavarian forests. They have the head of a rabbit, horrible fangs, and antlers like a roe deer, a squirrel's body, wings, pheasant legs, and webbed feet like those of a duck."

Hogan smiled, "That's nothing like the jackalope. They're just rabbits with antlers."

Klink frowned, "Well, we'll never catch it."

Carter asked, "Why not?"

Schultz said, "Wolpertingers can only be caught when the moon is full and only if a beautiful fraulein, well, she has to, uh, remove her blouse." The comment immediately incited the assembled men to laugh. Schultz continued, "It's true. And you cannot let yourself get distracted by the _beautiful_ fraulein."

Klink sighed, "Schultz, you idiot. What fraulein would go wolpertinger hunting with you? You're supposed to make the wolpertinger fall into a stupor, not yourself."

Schultz said, "If there is a wolpertinger in this camp, perhaps Fraulein Hilda will help us catch it."

Klink sardonically said, "I see. Schultz, you have to be drunk in order to see one! Then you have to put salt on its tail!"

Schultz exclaimed, "I volunteer to get drunk!" The comment generated more laughter. He continued, "If we don't catch the wolpertinger, he'll cause mischief all night!"

Klink sternly frowned as he saluted, "Dismissed!"

Hogan teased, "Jackalopes _can_ be seen, and you can bait their traps with whiskey!" Klink angrily shuddered before storming towards the Kommandantur. "They say jackalope milk is delicious but very difficult to come by because they're deadly with those antlers."

Schultz asked, "Really?"

It was proving too easy to draw in the gullible enemy as Hogan continued, "Sure. Besides, if you try to chase one, they can throw you off the trail because they can imitate our voices."

Schultz scoffed, "Now you go too far – a talking rabbit?"

"Not actual conversation," said Hogan. "If you sing a cowboy song while out on the range, the jackalope will sing along with you but it doesn't know what the words mean. It's just an imitation, kind of like a defense mechanism."

For a moment, the guard pondered the possibility. Then he remembered he had his duties and began herding the prisoners into the barracks. Hogan encouraged his men to comply with the goop, which caused the guard to question the word choice due to ignorance. How could the cunning colonel change the definition from fool to intellectual or something else?

The empty water barrels rattled, spooking the sergeant of the guard, so Hogan said, "A goop is an exceptionally brave man. Better go check out that wolpertinger hiding behind those water barrels."

Schultz pointed to himself and asked, "Me?"

Hogan shrugged, "Have it your way." He entered the barracks as last man and closed the door, leaving Schultz standing outside slightly confused as to a course of action. While the jackalope may or may not be real, the wolpertinger sounded too fantastic for consideration. Just like everything else about the adversary, the mythos surrounding the Bavarian cryptid was overdone.

From the periscope basin Olsen said, "Schultz really is a goop."

Hogan took over and watched as Schultz nervously approached the water barrels accompanied by Langenscheidt and Donnervetter. Something spooked the trio. Hogan tried distinguishing the features of the scurrying blur. Several spotlights trained on the area but the blur disappeared. He laughed as he narrated the bizarre scenario.

"Blimey," said Newkirk. "They're daft – completely daft!"

Carter said, "Boy, you can sure say that again!"

LeBeau said, "Andre, this is your fault. Why'd you have to say something as dumb as rabbit with antlers?"

"It seemed like a good thing to do at the time," shrugged Carter.

Hogan put down the periscope and said, "They'll be doing this all night."

A curious knock came at the tunnel entrance. The men looked around the room. All were present, including the radiomen. Hogan did not trust the situation but chose to abandon fear and activated the ladder. He did not see anything at the bottom of the tunnel. The fearless officer climbed down the ladder and looked around the tunnels, which felt eerie due to the primary lighting source from waning fat lamps.

Men expectantly looked at Hogan as he returned to the barracks. The officer simply stated nothing was in the tunnels that should not be there. He decided someone was playing tricks and ordered his men to bed.

#HH#

All Klink wanted was a decent night's sleep but the wayward guards caused a ruckus in the compound. The prisoner thought he saw something but Klink knew it was foolishness. He intended to spook the prisoners, not his guards. He knew Wolpertingers only existed as mad creations invented by bartenders and taxidermists. The Hofbrau had one hanging on its wall.

The weary Kommandant slipped into his bed unafraid of imaginary creatures. The Russian Front caused more worry than wolpertingers. He forgot that Schultz grew up learning and living the tale of the dread rabbit with antlers as though it was fact instead of fiction. It was nothing more than Bavarian babble!

Just as he started dozing, Klink supposed he heard a scratching sound at the window. He sat up in bed and put on his monocle. The full moon was low in the sky and he saw it resting just above the tree line through his window. He removed his monocle and lay back in his bed. The scratching sound returned, more insistent than the first occurrence. Klink sat back up again and thought he saw a blur at the window. Quickly, he put on his monocle. For a moment, he thought he saw an antler.

Ridiculous, thought Klink. Talk about wolpertingers and their possible American cousins called jackalopes merely filled his sleepy mind with strange ideas. Again, he heard the scratching but it sounded as if it came from inside his room. He sat up and asked, "Who's there?"

The room went dead silent. Klink put on his monocle and turned on the nightstand light. His robe should have been hanging from the edge of his bed. Instead, it was on the floor. Fear gripped the Kommandant until he considered that he must have kicked it off the bed. He turned off the light but kept on his monocle.

 _Screech!_

Klink sat up and turned on the light. He felt sweat beading across his face. It took him a moment before he realized the strange noise was had been replaced by angry shouts. He hurried to the window and saw a staff car along with several of his guards running about frantically. Klink was not expecting anyone. He opened the window and shouted, "Dummkopf! What's going on out there?"

One of the guards nervously replied, "Herr Kommandant, the car just drove around camp by itself."

Klink snapped, "Do you take me for a fool? Cars do not drive themselves! Find the culprit – immediately!"

"Jawohl Herr Kommandant," the guard responded.

Klink angrily closed the window. Things were getting out of hand. Grown men should not believe such foolishness. He thought his men knew better. He heard scratching from underneath his bed. Slowly he approached the bed, lowered himself to his knees, took a deep breath to steel himself, and then looked underneath the bed. Nothing.

Filling his lungs to capacity Klink cried, "Schultz!" Instead of the portly guard, another came scrambling into the room. Klink demanded that the private find Schultz. Alone again, he turned on all lights in the room and grabbed his swagger stick. Briefly, he doubted his sanity. He regretted sending for Schultz. It seemed the more logical choice a moment prior. A private would remain confused upon receiving orders to search Klink's bedroom for a wolpertinger. At least Schultz would remain quiet about it.

Schultz arrived, still attired in uniform despite the late hour. Klink berated him and made him search the room looking for anything unusual. He felt confused but reassured with the large guard's presence. Schultz bent over, picked up something from the floor, and trembled as he tried handing it to Klink. The Kommandant asked, "What is that?"

"A feather, Herr Kommandant," Schultz replied with a tinge of fear in his voice. "It looks like an owl feather."

Klink snapped, "Nonsense! What's an owl feather doing in here?"

Schultz cringed, "The wolpertinger?"

"I've had just about enough of this foolishness," said Klink. "Get Colonel Hogan over here. I'll bet he's behind these tricks."

Schultz said, "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Maybe you should have a little Schnapps to calm your nerves?" Klink's icy stare and finger pointing towards the door encouraged Schultz to hurry with his task. Thinking he heard more scratching, Klink decided to wait in the living room.

#HH#

Why did London not have a mission tonight? Hogan kept tossing and turning in bed as strange sounds about the camp kept him awake. The guards were in a frenzy chasing something. Several times, he checked the periscope. Something knocked from below as if wanting the tunnel ladder lowered. Kinchloe begrudgingly investigated.

Hogan whispered, "Someone's playing tricks."

"It stopped being funny about two hours ago," growled Kinchloe.

Hogan lowered the periscope and said, "Here comes Schultz." He did not have time to return to his room. He sat at the table running his hand through his hair in an attempt to straighten the muss. The sergeant burst into the room unconcerned about noise, threw on the light, and exclaimed, "Colonel Hogan! You're awake. Good. The Kommandant wants to see you."

Hogan stood and said, "Good, because you and your men are ruining our sleep. What's going on?"

Schultz sincerely replied, "The wolpertinger is causing all sorts of trouble tonight." Various men groaned in complaint. Pulling out the feather from his pocket, Schultz swore, "It's true."

Newkirk said, "Bloody hell. Carter! You know animals. What kind of feather is that?" He banged on Carter's bunk, and then pulled away the covers to reveal pillows. He said, "Blimey, we've got a man missing!"

Hogan felt anger swelling inside of him. No one escaped without his permission, and that was something he remained disinclined to give considering the nature of the operation. He snapped, "Damn fool! Schultz, do your duty."

The guard looked surprised and said, "Uh, Colonel Hogan, you _want_ me to call out the guards?"

Hogan replied, "Never mind. I need you to take me to the Kommandant so I'm not shot. Your boys are trigger-happy tonight. _Then_ call out the guards."

"Jolly jokers," Schultz angrily said. "Come along!"

Usually nonplussed by the insult, Hogan took it to heart as he accompanied Schultz to Klink's private quarters. Something pranked the guards. No – _someone_ pranked the guards and a missing Carter proved circumstantial evidence. Carter was the one who claimed to see a rabbit with antlers near the water barrels. Walking with the guard, Hogan remembered the date: April 1, 1942.

Trying not to smile as he entered Klink's living room, Hogan found new respect for his ordnance man. Klink sat huddled on the couch nursing his Schnapps. The man looked extremely unsettled. Typically, he did not approve of rogue operations. He watched as Klink poured another glass of Schnapps, hands unsteady and liqueur sloshing out of control.

Hogan politely coughed, "You wanted to see me?"

Klink stood and angrily snapped, "I want all this funny business ended now. There's no such thing as a wolpertinger. Which one of your men is responsible for all the boyish pranks?"

Hogan shrugged, "Haven't got a clue."

Klink turned to Schultz and said, "Form up the men. I want a count."

Hogan saw the look of terror on Schultz's face and said, "Good thinking. After all, wolpertingers are German so it must be one of your men."

Klink said, "I was talking about _your_ men." Schultz whimpered. Klink continued, "There is something funny going on around here and I'm going to get to the bottom of this. What are you waiting for, you big oaf?"

"Jawohl," Schultz anxiously replied as he saluted. He made a hasty retreat while Hogan poured himself a glass of Schnapps and downed it immediately.

Klink said, "I don't remember offering you a drink."

"It'll help me spot the wolpertinger," Hogan toyed. "After all, you said a person has to be drunk before he can see it."

"Get out of here!"

Hogan reconsidered his internal praises of Carter for orchestrating such an elaborate prank. The last thing he needed was Klink acting like the enemy. Walking onto the compound, he looked at the heavy moon. The timing of April Fool's Day coinciding with a full moon known to bring out the mischievous yet shy wolpertinger must have proved too irresistible for the young sergeant. Hogan nonchalantly made his way to formation while guards frantically rousted the now grumbling men.

Hogan saw Carter standing in the ranks and asked, "Where have you been?"

"Just out for a little walk in the moonlight," replied Carter.

LeBeau sighed, "This isn't going to end well for you, Andre."

Schultz seemed frantic as he rousted the prisoners. When he saw Carter, he asked, "Is it ready?"

Carter shrugged, "Maybe. I thought I had a little more time."

Hogan looked back and forth between the two men. He softly chuckled at the idea of a conspiracy involving Carter and Schultz. One planted the idea of seeing something strange while the other paved the way to implement the prank. Schultz executed his part perfectly. Hogan asked, "Is there something going on?"

Schultz proudly said, "I know nothing."

An extremely angry Klink stormed his way to the formation and demanded a report. Then he let loose his tirade demanding to know the responsible party who disrupted the camp with childish pranks. He made the usual threats of cutting food rations but no one betrayed the guilty man. Firecrackers went off, rallying guards to investigate.

"Wolpertinger!"

It did not matter which guard shouted the word, the results proved comedic. The spotlight caught a small fast moving object scurrying from the Kommandantur to the Cooler. Hogan could not believe his eyes. The strange beast perfectly fit the description Klink provided.

Klink shouted, "Kill it!"

Men hit the dirt as guards targeted the strange creature. It continued its straight line until one lucky round hit it. The creature fell to one side and emitted smoke. Small flames emerged. Klink cautiously approached the creature. He gingerly picked it up by one of the antlers. Two small wheels fell to the ground. The amalgamated parts began breaking apart and Klink threw down the mechanism.

"Schultz!"

Despite Klink's anger, many men laughed in relief. It was a good joke. Klink remained furious, venting on any who dared smile in his direction. Once his back was towards the man, the smile returned. Only the threat of a one-way ticket to the Russian Front enforced his order to return the prisoners to the barracks.

Hogan figured that if he had to lose sleep, this night was a fine way to do so. He ushered the men into the barracks, followed by Schultz. Carter's broad grin proved infectious. Hogan began interrogating the two men. Carter revealed a string attached to a small piece of wood at Kinchloe's bunk. Carter pulled it and the men heard the mysterious knocking from earlier.

Schultz admitted that he adlibbed when he poked the barrel of his rifle against one of the drums. He was responsible for scratching and tapping an antler against Klink's window. In addition, he caught a mouse earlier in the day and set it inside Klink's bedroom.

Carter snuck out of the barracks and liberated Klink's staff car, driving it around camp. He had a small homemade periscope that he used to see his way while he crouched below the window. The Krauts were so scared when the car stopped that none opened the door, which was good for him because he was hiding under the blanket.

The two men had been planning the prank the last several days. Schultz purchased a stuffed wolpertinger from a store in town. Carter had trouble rigging it with a small motor. He wanted it to run using a string as guide to keep it on course but ran out of time. He remained pleased that the wolpertinger stayed on track as it made a beeline towards the Cooler.

Hogan said, "Alright, that's enough fun for April Fool's Day. Everybody hit the sack."

Schultz asked, "You won't tell the Kommandant?"

"I know nothing," promised Hogan.

Schultz exclaimed, "Wunderbar!" Sobering his tone he added, "Guten abend."

"Good night, Schultz," chorused the men.

For a long time, Schultz had wanted to play a good joke. He walked around the compound. He cared for his men and appreciated their laughs. Earlier they may have become slightly unhinged but the revelation of an elaborate hoax left them in good moods. He turned towards his barracks and saw something in the dim light. Something hopped across his path. His eyes widened when he realized the rabbit sported small antlers as it dashed beneath the guards' mess hall.

"I see nothing!"


End file.
